a day in Powell

ALLAH

1126: Day 2 - I spent my sunday afternoon on Urumchi Road (on clubhouse)

Revolution is not a dinner party.

First they came for the Uyghurs, and I did not speak out — 
Because I was not a Uyghur.
 
Then they came for Hong Kong, and I did not speak out — 
Because I was not a Hongkonger.

Then they came for the Hans — and there was no one left to speak for me.

It’s been more than 24 hours since the breakout of the protests in China. Here’s a sarcasm I’m too scared to share publicly - they built camps for the Uyghurs and started a genocide because the Uyghurs started an uprising, so when is the CCP building the camp for the Hans now?

This is hands down the biggest resilience since 1989, but this time, I can sense a loss of a totalitarian China but not the rise of a democratic China. Some, including part of myself, think this is the spark of a democracy. But most part of me is thinking, are they fighting for a greater cause or just fighting out of selfishness as they struggle to make ends meet. There is a difference between fighting for justice and fighting for needs - a big one - are they on formal operational stage or still on oral stage?

As long as Chinese don’t review the nationalism in China, there won’t be as much of a change - even if they overthrow the CCP - history is only going to repeat itself. The China today is a product of the pedantic and stale Confucianism, well, at least the CCP has been using it as a tool to control the people. Same as 1989, you can still see netizens saying they are standing up to create a “greater China”. The problem is, after one overthrows a dictator, there will just be another dictator or system oppressing another group, if Chinese people do not rethink their Han chauvinism ideology, despite how many times they chant “freedom of speech”. What China needs isn’t just another leader, but another New Cultural Movement, an ideological revolution.

Every time I see an image of a crowd, or a clip of police brutality, I just wonder, have they ever thought about if they’ve got enough people, they can actually bury every person in power alive. There is a Cantonese idiom that says 蟻多摟死象, meaning “no end of ants kills an elephant”.

Revolution is not a dinner party, Mao said. A lot of people support the protests, at least at per my echo chamber, but how many of them really put it into action? It IS brave to fuck the government, yet words are easy. Revolution is not a dinner party. Totalitarianism is often a collective karma.

LOL. One of the funny thing I observed after an afternoon on clubhouse, is that, when Chinese people talked, it’s always lengthy and long-winded. It’s never on point, just like the Chinese government’s speeches as usual, they NEVER get to then point. But when Hongkongers speak, they get to the point in no time - firstly, secondly, thank you, bye. That one goodbye from a Chinese girl’s speech, is longer than an entire speech of a Hongkonger. It’s funny, but also reveals a problem.

HK: Day 9 - Hongkongshima

soundbite literature

It surprises me that there is still such a straightforward and blunt theater work that refers to Hong Kong’s long-running democratic movement, which for some people, had come to an end. To be frank, if I had known it point-blank points to, or intimate the uprisings, I wouldn’t have gone.

Don’t get me wrong, of course I’m interested in political literature, profoundly actually, - I would not have made my biggest mistake in majoring in literature if not for Lu Xun. There have been a lot of plays I love that involve politics or Hong Kong society - in documentary theater, there was Rimini Protokoll’s “100% Hong Kong”, for experimental theater, there was On and on’s “Postcolonial Affairs of Food and The Heart”, for mainstream theater, there was “May 35th”. Not to mention classics like Ariel Dorfman or Martin McDonagh. In all of them, politics is a top note, perfuming the odor of the playwright’s political stance proudly.

It’s just that, I really am not a fan of “soundbite literature” - yeah I made this term up, referring to plays or films that includes some lines that people love to hear, and they automatically become a masterpiece, despite its storytelling. How many people worship some mediocre works just because the protagonist chanted “Fight for freedom”. I do understand or empathize why they do that, but having political stance overriding quality is unhealthy, and, in my opinion, affects citizens’ collective intelligence in a long run.

I have always had this love-hate relationship with On and on’s experimental theaters. To be honest, it probably is about experimental theaters rather than On and on. Most experimental theaters in Hong Kong are dogshit, here I said it. Doing something unconventional does not mean it’s well executed and in fact, most experimental theaters in Hong Kong are very poorly presented and planned. No one says anything about it publically, including myself, because 1) it’s already hard enough to work in theaters unless your target audience is white people which makes you prestigious, 2) criticizing an experimental work makes you feel insecure - am I just too dumb to get it? Did I not get the cultural reference?

Circling back to On and on, it’s great, it’s grassroot but rich in culture, it strikes a decent balance between being experimental and maintaining a clear storyline, but it also maybe is a little too pretentious for me? But again, I said “love-hate”, so I still go to every show they produced.

One of the most challenging skills avant-garde theaters have to master, is that actors often have to play multiple roles - how to not make it awkward and make sure it’s necessary? How to not draw audiences out of the play? - “Hongkongshima” did an excellent job. All the blocking, lighting, music was well done. All the metaphors do not feel forced at all. And it did a spectacular job in integrating real-life references into its plot. The use of narrative is often risky, that a lot of writer use narrative when they aren’t capable of telling the story with dialogue or other elements. But those in “Hongkongshima” was just on point and helps to push the story forward. It was really well-done.

However, those direct lines of telling Hongkongers “we should not lose hope” were to me, very unpleasant. As a post-NSL piece, I get that the crew want to use theater as a medium to empower audiences, which is amazing, but overly positive thoughts strike me as brainwashing. “We shall not lose faith”, “We need to keep going”, it’t not wrong, but it may not, and should not be people’s only correct motivation, and it’s not wrong to think there isn’t hope anymore, which is not necessary a thought to stop people from fighting.

To acknowledge the chance of failing, so we could set a more precise goal and tactics. False hope does keep us moving, but what if some cannot bear the blow of things not developing in the direction they wanted? False hope is dangerous. Humans have the tendency to be intoxicated in triumphs. And this actually stops people from moving onwards. Maybe I’m just traumatized - see what years of “階段性勝利” and “畀啲掌聲自己” lead us to - we used to abandon ourselves to pleasures throughout the long way of movement, and it wasn’t the best. So, I’m not saying we should not have hope, but cynicism keeps a sharp brain, which is essential for sustaining, anything.

Another thing that has been bugging me is that, do we focus on the identity of Hongkongers too much? Personally I do feel the sense of belonging, at least after 2019, but at the same time what drives me was more of my desire for justice, as a global citizen. How protesters, or different stakeholders emphasize our root and identity could somewhat make me feel guilt-tripped, and reminds me of toxic Asian parenting style. Well, though, I get how echo chamber is sometimes needed, so it’s just me feeling uncomfortable.

Anyway, I don’t regret going, if anything. It was a play. As I said, I do not let opinion or stance override artistic judgment, and “Hongkongshima” was breathtaking as a play.

Yoga: Day 200 - Open up your chest

With yoga, I learn to stand tall.

One important thing about how yoga has been curing my depression is, it really does make you physically feel good.

Don’t get me wrong, I wouldn’t say my depression is now cured! Despite the never-been-better state I’m in right now, I still cry for hours before I finally defeat the struggle and leave my bed at noon, which supposed to be the morning, sometimes, especially when I’m PMS. To be frank, I would say mental illness is not something that can be entirely cured, but we can learn to manage, cope with and co-exist with it. Mood disorder is totally clinical, as in scientifically one could have low brain cell production of serotonin, or a lack of receptor sites that are able to receive the serotonin, etc. I hate people who say ‘depression is just in your head’, but it’s still undeniable that there are certain factors that trigger the above symptoms. For instance, a lot of people’s mood disorders were triggered by negative life events. But personality undoubtedly influences how we react to those life events - I, for one, am a person with low self-esteem, even before my depression - when something bad happens to me, my tendency to blame myself and lose hope is for sure bigger than someone with loving parents and have a normal self-esteem.

Right, let’s talk about yoga, as I intended. What yoga surprised me during the first few time I did it, was how fas-fucking-cinating heart opening asanas make me felt. As people with low self-esteem subconsciously walk with our heads down, shoulders hunched and slouch 24/7. With yoga, I learn to stand tall. I realised I’ve never really opened my chest until I tried yoga for the first time, on top of how good it feels physically, when you open up your chest, you feel like you can absorb all the energy, you feel more confident, and you get rid of your fears. I started walk talk as I was getting into yoga. And once you present yourself differently, your energy and aura changes accordingly and eventually I started feeling a lot better in general.

So, circling back to mood disorder, I’m still a person with low self-esteem, but through yoga, I learn how live, from the start.

Travel: Day 26 - Bitter Sweet Istanbul

I knew it’s the real deal the moment I realized signal was criminalized in Turkey.

Hey I’m not a saint. I knew Turkey is pretty fucked, but this fucked? I’m ignorant, just like people I rolled my eyes at in Belgium. Gonna name this blog ‘Karen’s blog’.

First day in Istanbul - haven’t met a lot of people, or anyone - but my airbnb host alone is way cooler than ANYONE I’ve met in Belgium. I’m grateful that he speaks pretty good English, at the same time sorry for asking so many questions that makes him speaks so fucking much English.

I don’t think an expat can ever really truly know the culture of a place, the good ones could get it 99%, but never a hundred. I also judged expats who are like ‘OMG I LOVE THIS PLACE’ yeah everyone would if they can afford a private hospital when they get sick or if they have your westernized circle.

But I love Istanbul.

You can tell at least a significant part of a culture by observing how they treat stray animals. In Istanbul, almost EVERY HOUSE has got a bowl of water and food at the balcony for the catS. I always knew Turkey is the heaven of cat (as well as cat slaves), but man, I didn’t know people treating all the cats better than my ex-partners treated me. That’s something.

Once upon a time okay those images were taken in chronological order:

1. Cat spotted me

2. Cat likes me so much and prolly more than my father loved me

3. Cat thinks I’m slave which of course I’m not

4. (Other) cats being fed by that nice lady

5. Cat being bullied :(

6. OH MY GOD after a few attempts the lady then used body language to tell me she’s gonna get some wet food from the kitchen and will give it to me to feed Cat??!!!!!

As judgy as I am, now I totally understand how those expats that came to Hong Kong for six months 25 years ago. More to experience and feel. Chao.