29 Dec 2021
馬照跑舞照跳
在他們踏進牢獄的一刻，外面的世界已經再沒有道德高地。我們在爭辯、在呼吸、在看着比他們頭上更廣闊的天空，有本錢站在道德高地的，只有身陷囹圄的他們，不是你，也不是我。黑暗過後或許會是光明，但人們在黑暗之中受的苦難切確實存在的，每滴眼淚，每滴血，誰也不能推委。
寫在前往Ghent的火車之上。
人在外地（什麼是外地？ ）被問及你是做什麼工作的，我猶豫了一下，說曾經是記者，他問，那你現在是來工作嗎？我說，沒有，就是休息。他說，那麼休息過後你會繼續做記者嗎？我想：我不能，但我說，應該不會了。他又說，你可以多過旅遊記者，我就說，沒有媒體了，對了你下次來的話我帶你去吃蛋撻。
他們也許沒有機會再吃蛋撻。
約了一個tankie見面的前一個晚上，我在想，要先預備一列表的counter arguments - why what the CCP is practicing is state capitalism but not communism、how is CIA propaganda irrelevant - 我的存在，我的痛，我的到來，就是最真實的證據，任何推論、思辨，都是對獄中所愛的侮辱，對傷痛的否認，每個問題都是一把摑在共同體的臉上。
我不是要說服，也不是要你同理，但你不能抹走我的眼淚，誰也不能，也沒有辦法。
23 Dec 2021
Don’t have too much faith in humanity.
Disclaimer: All "coke" in this article is being referred to COCA-COLA®.
So, last night, I went to a tiny concert with my friend Nina. Long story short, we ended up having a drink at her co-worker’s place with a friend of the co-worker, then proceeded to ordering coke.
Right. I forgot my little internal personal moral code, that all production of Coke involves human trafficking and thou shall not consume any coke, unless it’s leftover that no one wants. I was tipsy, and more importantly, I can’t really say I’ve been having the best time here in Belgium, so a little bit of stimulation in life would be good for me, and make the trip worth it, I thought.
Anyway, I confess my iniquity; I am sorry for my sin. The guy (the guy) who suggested picking up coke had on cash on him and asked if anyone did. I did. So I offered to pay in cash and he will pay me back.
THEN HE ASKs, ‘Do you have Bitcoin?’ You should have seen my twinkled eyes, I felt nearly the most excited since I landed. Finally someone who is intelligent enough to know what blockchain is, which is not exactly that high of a threshold. After SO. FUCKING. MANY. cocooned privileged ignorant apolitical Belgians. So I went, FUCK YES!
While waiting for our coke, we chatted about blockchain, to be accurate, how amazing blockchain and putting blockchain into use, is, which he constantly agreed. And he reminded me again to send him my Bitcoin address.
Coke on Henri Matisse:
The next day, he texted:
Haha. What do you mean?
Well, I thought, the guy might be too drunk to remember a thing? Damn man, I suck at telling people to pay me back. Please don’t make me do it, god. I’m sinful. I’ll wait for a bit to reply and perhaps he will remember.
Then he texted Nina:
I want to pay Stacey back but she sent me a bunch of bitcoin language I don’t understand
This is the moment of my awakening. The “do you have bitcoin’ was a joke and he was being sarcastic because 'CRiMiNalS uSE bItcoIn, leTS go TO THe DARknET"
IT WAS A FUCKING JOKE!!!!!
11 Dec 2021
Here I am writing this in Plaza Premium Lounge.
Again, the biggest takeout from my depression is: It may not be something you like, but that’s life, you either kill yourself now or if you decide not to, then suck it, happily.
Years ago I was dating that guy and he was away for a week to another city for work. He had been to a few countries at that point in his life - Cannes, Singapore, Joburg, etc etc - without ever travelling purely for leisure. I thought, woah, that’s a dream! I’m not referring to the flying, but the feeling of feeling important - to have someone pay for a plane ticket and book you a hotel room because no one else on site can do what you can do (though prolly not true and is just bureaucracy), how important that makes you feel!
Since then, business trips or working abroad have been a dream to me. Five years passed, I went on ONE - three days two nights, goddamn fucking China - not exactly what I dreamt of, but I’m grateful. During this five year I also had come to realise that mobility has a pretty much immediate link with class, unless you work in tech, which I don’t. Especially for someone from, say, Hong Kong/ Japan/ Korea/ China, etc., speaking good enough English and having the good enough network are almost exclusively for private school kids. I was too native to realise that it was easier for him because he was white (unfortunately still is).
Well, it sucks, doesn’t it. But you just gotta deal with it unless you are gonna kill yourself out of hopelessness, which I don’t at the moment intend to. So I’ve decided to chill, meaning 1) dropping my anger which is totally valid, and 2) give up on having a career and just chill in countries with lower living standards to exploit their economic crisis. Important note here: Not letting something bug you and affect your daily life DOES NOT EQUAL to not doing anything to fight against the thing.
Just trying to be positive here, not being basic, but just, when you have lived long enough, you’re just too tired to be depressed, plus it never helps. I will never be from the privileged class, so I might just settle for the second best, which is already good and, privileged, as well. It’s okay, it’s fine. I’m paying for my own tickets, I’m totally replaceable (actually so are expats in Asia, it’s just a class thing), but that’s life.
Anyways, long story short, my career fell apart, then fast-forwarding to now, here I am, finally taking advantage of the pandemic and buying a really cheap one-way ticket.
Self appreciation time: I am proud of finally taking the massive step to get away from toxic manipulative people. Suck my dick.
19 Nov 2021
FUCKING. HELL.
I totally wasn’t counting. ‘90 days’ is a metaphor. Have you seen the film ‘Downsizing’? Poeple say, the more you learn the less you know, and learning python makes you shrink to a particle, an atom, you just feel so small.
The job of a writer, which is what I do, is to use vary approaches to explain something so that even the dumbest person can understand the most complex things. Python is the exact opposite - you concentrate a complicated ten-step train of thoughts into one single line of code.
And I’m fucking dying.
Since »i became unemplyed,« I decided to fuck asian working culture and chill my tits (because I realised social mobility is a joke for a grassroot kid like me), I have been worried that my brain will not be as functioning as it used to be. I read a book named “精” and it suggests a good way to maintain your brain capabilties is to get liences. The author is now an freaking whiskey expert.
A young dude who works for Warren Buffel had always admired Warren, and he asked him his key to success. Warren told him to write
Yeah I’m like deeply influenced by this story, despite the fact that it’s defo fake andl, fuck WB. But I’ve been a Jack of all trades my whole life, this story really hit the spot. So for a long time I was worrying if learning python would be a bad choice
TBC
25 Jul 2021
Long time no Xi!.
TBC