Travel: Day 0

Here I am writing this in Plaza Premium Lounge.

Again, the biggest takeout from my depression is: It may not be something you like, but that’s life, you either kill yourself now or if you decide not to, then suck it, happily.

Years ago I was dating that guy and he was away for a week to another city for work. He had been to a few countries at that point in his life - Cannes, Singapore, Joburg, etc etc - without ever travelling purely for leisure. I thought, woah, that’s a dream! I’m not referring to the flying, but the feeling of feeling important - to have someone pay for a plane ticket and book you a hotel room because no one else on site can do what you can do (though prolly not true and is just bureaucracy), how important that makes you feel!

Since then, business trips or working abroad have been a dream to me. Five years passed, I went on ONE - three days two nights, goddamn fucking China - not exactly what I dreamt of, but I’m grateful. During this five year I also had come to realise that mobility has a pretty much immediate link with class, unless you work in tech, which I don’t. Especially for someone from, say, Hong Kong/ Japan/ Korea/ China, etc., speaking good enough English and having the good enough network are almost exclusively for private school kids. I was too native to realise that it was easier for him because he was white (unfortunately still is).

Well, it sucks, doesn’t it. But you just gotta deal with it unless you are gonna kill yourself out of hopelessness, which I don’t at the moment intend to. So I’ve decided to chill, meaning 1) dropping my anger which is totally valid, and 2) give up on having a career and just chill in countries with lower living standards to exploit their economic crisis. Important note here: Not letting something bug you and affect your daily life DOES NOT EQUAL to not doing anything to fight against the thing.

Just trying to be positive here, not being basic, but just, when you have lived long enough, you’re just too tired to be depressed, plus it never helps. I will never be from the privileged class, so I might just settle for the second best, which is already good and, privileged, as well. It’s okay, it’s fine. I’m paying for my own tickets, I’m totally replaceable (actually so are expats in Asia, it’s just a class thing), but that’s life.

Anyways, long story short, my career fell apart, then fast-forwarding to now, here I am, finally taking advantage of the pandemic and buying a really cheap one-way ticket.

Self appreciation time: I am proud of finally taking the massive step to get away from toxic manipulative people. Suck my dick.